‘I’m So Out of Shape,’ Laments Person Currently Kicking Your Ass




The person you’re running with is “so out of shape” she “can’t believe it,” Dumb Runner has learned. This person is also currently kicking your ass and making it look easy.

The implicit takeaway, experts said, is that you suck.

Your run began as usual, with you meeting the person at your usual spot for what was billed as “an easy four or five miles, nothing too hard.” The person made it clear, before you began the run, that a slow and manageable pace was the order of the day.

“I’ve barely been running at all,” the person said. “Hope I can remember how.”

“Ha ha,” added the person, before the two of you took off.

Within moments, sources told Dumb Runner, the person commenced kicking your ass. What began as a leisurely, conversational jog at approximately 10-minute-per-mile pace ramped up to 9-minute pace, then 8:30 pace, and, finally, 7:50.

“Ugh, I’m such a slug,” the person said, her upper body relaxed and her gait buttery smooth. “I am so out of shape.”

This person then proceeded to describe, at length, her plans for the upcoming week.

At last report, you were too out of breath to respond.

Sources said that you have no immediate plans to run with this person again.


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